Professor Hazard's Terrible Blog

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Watchmen, I died a little tonight.

Watchmen, I died a little tonight.

A moment of toilet brilliance led to the creation of this comic. My parents will be so proud of me for making a new comic that features a bodily function.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Gettin' Bushy

Gettin' Bushy

My wife threatened to beat me if I didn't make this comic, after I pitched the premise to her. I don't think it's that great, but she laughed so hard she pooped a little, so.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

November Arts



Doesn't really seem like a lot, but then again it's certainly more than most people accomplish in a month, art-wise. Plus, November still has a couple of weeks left in it.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Some days I'm ready to throw in the towel.

It's gotten bad these days, people.

If you understand basic arithmetic, you're a NERD. If you can spell at a fifth-grade level, you're a GRAMER FAG. At some point, it became all right for people to not only become appallingly under-educated morons, but proud ones at that. For the most part, they seem to demand the right to ignorance. God help you if you show the slightest hint of adequacy, because these tuber-creatures from the anus of humanity will give you an earful over it.

I don't want to send my kids to school with these dumpster babies. I don't even know what to think about the horrifying idea of them running the world when my generation is too enfeebled to do so. I tell myself that maybe every generation is like this. Maybe every generation thinks the next one down is so stupid that it will leave the world a shambles.

What kills me is their sense of entitlement. OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEIR, THEY'RE AND THERE? No, dipshit, I think that that is something a child should understand. Maybe if you didn't stub up and act like I just called you a racial slur because I implied that you should be as smart as the janitors were in my high school - maybe if you took five goddamn seconds to commit to memory how to spell words, and why they should be spelled that way - but no. You've got some kind of right to acting like...

You know what, I think I'm just going to walk away from this article before it ends with gunfire

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Spur of the Moment Responsibility

Responsibility makes me crumple like a cat with a sock draped across its back. But if the same task I am asked or expected to do is thought of on the spur of the moment, I can jump right out the door and get to it - because I love the idea of surprising people. But there are no surprises with routine expectations. I wish I could find a way of doing things that people want me to do, in a way that made me felt like I was being a sly little so-and-so by doing them.

Friday, October 24, 2008

These Colors Can't Run

These Colors Can't Run

The old United States of America is dead, but we keep Weekend at Bernie's-ing it, hoping that nobody will notice. But let's face it - rigor mortis has passed, and it's starting to stink in here. We faced a simple choice regarding our country's future - morality or comfort - and I think we all know which one we chose.

This is my political comic for the year. Did it do anything for you?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Raise Your Hand if You've Done This

Raise Your Hand if You've Done This

Listen, you take on certain responsibilities when you wear a man's emblem on your head. One of those is listening to my banter whilst I make bears. What am I supposed to do, sit there quietly? Read a book?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

What's that squealing noise...?

Today, while stopped at a red light, I heard this odd, high-pitched squeal. I began to wonder; is it a fan belt? Axles shouldn't be squeaking while I'm stopped... I looked down at the chihuahua resting in the crook of my arm. Was the dog squeaking? I pulled on his stretchy skin to see if the squeaking would get louder, but he just looked at me, confused. Then I looked to the right and saw the car full of women, aged fifty to fifteen, who were staring into my car and squealing, faces full of joy. I set Quiero down on the seat so he could look out the window at them, and the squealing intensified. I began to become intensely aware of how long a red light can last. For a short time, I knew what it was like to be a celebrity.

When I got home today, I saw what happens when a UPS truck breaks down. We saw the truck with its hood open on the way to work, but when I got back I saw that a second truck had joined it - presumably to take its payload - and a tow truck was rolling up to the two of them. Who ever thinks about a UPS truck breaking down?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Sword Crashers



I tried to make a video playback of this drawing, but since it took something like six hours, the resultant file was so big it was crushed under its own weight. Despite that, please enjoy.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What I'd like to do, but lack the resources

I worked up a little three-panel comic today, that I ended up being discontent with because I couldn't make it look just how I wanted.

PANEL 1 (Brainfreeze sits at a bar, depressed): So I robbed the 7-11 earlier.
PANEL 2 (Brainfreeze extends hand menacingly): As I was leaving, I pointed at the girl behind the counter and said "Have an ice day."
PANEL 2 (Bartender, off-panel): Didn't Schwarzenegger say that in Batman and Robin?
PANEL 3 (Brainfreeze even more depressed): That's what she asked.

ALT TEXT: For a supervillain, this is basically like contracting cancer.

The more I hammered at it, the more I thought: Damn, this would be so much easier to do - and so much better to look at - if instead of drawings, I just used photographs. Had people dress up as supervillains and do a photo comic strip about the trivialities of their lives.

It would be easy to do, it would be fun to do, it would be fun to read. The setup is the only hard part. The costuming and the hiring of people to play the part. But that "only hard part" is sufficiently hard that the project will never get off the ground. GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE...

Monday, September 29, 2008

Quiero!



I recently inherited a chihuahua. His name was "Mickey", but that name kind of sucked so I changed his name to "Quiero" (as in "Yo quiero Taco Bell"). Since they both have the "kee" sound in them, he has taken to it easily. Now if we could just teach him to pee in the proper place, he'd be a real joy to have around. Luckily, his bladder and bowels are only about the size of a walnut.

I weigh four-hundred and forty-eight pounds this morning, which is about 25 pounds away from where I started my current diet regimen. It feels good to be under 450. I don't know when the last time was that I weighed this little (literally, I don't remember). Why, in a hundred more pounds, I'll be able to safely use most exercise equipment!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Wish Fulfillment Dreams!

I hate 'em.

Last night I dreamed that I was in a World of Warcraft-esque world, which began with me consulting my map and deciding that I was going to venture into the lands south of what was marked on my map as my old high school, Dobyns-Bennett. With me was a klutzy female companion of some kind who I do not recognize. She seemed to be wearing the robe and hood of a magic user of some sort.

So into that southern land we ventured. The land seemed to be a dark, dragon's-mountain-dungeon sort of land, controlled by her father, who I recall was named something like "Boros". Boros was about seven feet tall and classified as an "Icon" by the game's identification system. He happily volunteered to single-handedly run me through a difficult dungeon, and said that later he didn't see any reason why he couldn't use his vast empire to help me publish comic books and t-shirts of my design.

It was around this time that the logical part of my brain began to say "too much of a good thing", and I awoke, irritated.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I ran a red light!

... and at any other time of day would have been unceremoniously t-boned, but luckily it was bleary-eyes o'clock this morning in downtown Johnson City and nobody was around except for me and the truck rumbling toward me that indicated I was running a red light. When his deceleration did not occur, I craned my head around my irritatingly low car ceiling, saw the red light, flashed a hurried "I'm sorry" wave to the truck, and squirted on through.

I had stopped at the traffic light while it was green to let Christina out of the car, and I guess a part of me just assumed it would remain green all the while. Whoopsy-daisy!

I have to go to Kingsport for dental shenanigans later today, and I really don't want to. I imagine that's where my mind was when it should have been concentrating on the duration of traffic signals.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

TOO-SOUSAN-NYE! STOOPEHD!

Today I felt that need - the need for Chinese feed. So we headed down to 1 Chinese, just down the road from our place. It's run by a lady and her oldest son, who is about twelve. He takes orders over the phone, struggles to reach the drink machine to refill your drinks (that he brings to you with his finger in it), and overall makes the experience a rewarding and amusing one.

As we went up to pay, he was on the phone with someone, and said something about December. After he hung up, I said "What was that about December?" - because it seemed like rather a long time in advance to be placing a lunch order. He thought about it for a moment, then pointed at his missing front tooth and explained that it was missing. His mother (a better English listener than speaker) chattered at him in Chinese, so he looked at me. "Wait, what you ask me, say again?" So I asked again, what was that you said about December, on the phone? "Oh, we get new calendar," he explained. Ahh, the 2009 calendars, I said aloud, to indicate my understanding. "No, 2008 I think," he replied. He looked at his mother and gabbled away in Chinese, with 2008 and 2009 being the only recognizable elements of the sentence. She replied, "Too-sousan-nye!"

He looked up at me and said, "2008!"

At this point, his mother goes into crazy Chinese chatter mode and grabs his head like a melon, and gives it a why-I-oughtta shake. She hollers into his open mouth, "TOO-SOUSAN-NYE!" then looks at us, amused, and says "STOOPEHD!"

I'm sorry, I can't help but laugh.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Geeky Bowser, as seen here (and, by way of origin, here). He's taken his place in history, among the other plushes and figures inspired by my comics.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cork Board!

Check out my new corkboard! I love presenting the illusion of organization.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Re: The Dark Knight

Heath Ledger's Joker was a legendary performance - unfortunately, one to never be reprised. Bale's Batman voice, on the other hand, is unforgivably stupid.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Stayed up all night watching Star Trek and re-arranging the house. Now taking wife out for shopping and brunch. Vitality! I can't remember the last time I felt so full of energy. My new diet is a wonder! Now to destroy all progress at the Chinese buffet.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Pluckan Gaems

Snipe Con 2008 was wonderful for many reasons, but this picture may epitomize the experience for me. My friend Replay and I got to cross continental divides and collaborate on a picture for the first time in our ten-year friendship.

Rock Band was the preferred game of the Con, and a lot of fun was had playing it. When trying to decide what I should force Replay to draw with me (and indeed, I finished my side of the picture and then foisted the other blank side of the page on him) the game came to mind. I'm so happy with the result. I may frame the original!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Señor Booyah IN ACTION!!

Booyah finally cashed in an old commission he had won, so he got himself a picture in the IN ACTION!! series.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Professor Fandango IN ACTION!!

My side of an art trade that I'm doing with my friend Replay. His gallery, including many pictures of myself and my characters, can be found here.

It's movie time!

We're seated and waiting to watch Hellboy II. Later, we may catch Pixar's Wall-E. Reviews to come!

- - -

Hellboy II: The Golden Army: Ol' William of the Bull brings back the goods for his second Hellboy movie, this time featuring new BPRD agent Johann Krauss, voiced by Seth McFarlane (still no movement from Roger the Homunculus, still standing in a tube in the hallway). He's not quite the voice of Claus the fish from American Dad, not quite the voice of the Volkswagen from the VW commercials. Overall, his addition is a worthwhile one, and he brings the laughter more than once. Hellboy and Liz's love story gets a lot of screen time again. At this point, I have come to consider the live action movies to be an alternate reality - WHAT IF...? HELLBOY AND LIZ HOOKED UP? - and everything that's different between the movies and the comics is a result of that union. Needless to say, I prefer the comics. Doug Jones does the voicing for Abe Sapien this time around instead of an uncredited David Hyde Pierce, and he does it admirably. Even John Hurt is back for the beginning of the movie in his role as Trevor Bruttenholm, in a cute look at Hellboy's childhood. Agent Myers got re-assigned to Antarctica, lulz. All in all, it's definitely worth a watch, moreso if you're a fan of Neil Gaiman's faerie-verse as depicted in the Sandman, as you'll pick up some names and references to the same mythology he draws his inspiration from.

Wall-E: A pretty good movie. While it does crib heavily from the "Number Five is Alive" wacky robot shenanigans, the real pleasure of the film is the world that Pixar has created for it to function in - essentially, a world where Wal-Mart took over all aspects of life, leading to Earth becoming uninhabitable. While a bit predictable in parts, it is overall enjoyable. The female lead, EVA, manages to avoid being the typical female character, while also managing to avoid being the other side of the coin - the typical gung-ho don't-take-no-shit female character. Instead, she manages a lovely balance of determination with protocol. Wall-E's pet roach almost makes you want to like the little critters; that is, until you remember that roaches don't really make cute noises or show any signs of intelligence.

Anyways, I don't have graphics or numbers for either of my reviews. Suffice it to say that I enjoyed them both, and I bet you will too.

Monday, July 7, 2008

(>.<);;

After doing some rudimentary math, I have determined that it would cost less to buy a passport and drive to Canada for health care than it would be to get a full workup at my local hospital. I've been having a lot of chest and arm pain recently, and have been thinking an EKG might be a good idea. I am just imagining them telling me that it is a miracle that I am alive and that a quintuple bypass will be required for my continued survival. If surgery were needed, I would beg them to also liposuction out as much fat as they feel comfortable taking. Lord, I can only imagine what it would feel like to suddenly be a hundred or more pounds lighter. Heavenly, I'm sure.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Camping out at the airport

Camping out at the airport Hampton. This day has been way too long.

EDIT: Okay, so here's the full tale. We had to take Savannah to the Knoxville airport so that she would be there at 6, an hour before her 7 AM flight. (I know, right, why don't they just say "be there at six". Who knows.) So we leave here at 4 AM. This is torturous. I fall asleep many times on the way over there. Luckily, I am a good sleep driver. Finally, we get there, just in time for her to miss her flight. She has to pay $25 to get one an hour later. We grab some McDonald's breakfast, the McDonald's is right next to a Hampton Inn, and I realize there is no way I am driving back home in the condition I'm in. We crash at the Hampton in a $75 room, and sleep until 1:23.

So when I say the day was way too long, I mean it was too long.

Friday, July 4, 2008

I've been watching a lot of Burn Notice lately. It's one of those shows that I always knew I would enjoy watching, but just didn't feel like getting into it. I've been trying to get past that recently. For instance, when the new show In Plain Sight sounded good to me, I set the DVR to begin catching episodes of it.

I haven't watched any of the episodes yet, but hey. Baby steps.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Wow. I just saw Law & Order's Mariska Hargitay on Seinfeld, playing a very sexy actress auditioning for the part of Elaine. Such a lovely woman.

Carbonfizz

I spent about six hours on this picture. The guy who bought it got a pretty good deal for the $40 dollars he paid. I'm considering raising my prices!

(>:D)

deviantART wouldn't let me name this piece (>:D) , so instead it is simply called "Boo". How boring.

I also finished this portrait of the Mongolian death worm.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Off to see Kung-Fu Panda.

Off to see Kung Fu Panda. I have reserved optimism regarding how much I will enjoy it.

EDIT: So I just got done with Kung Fu Panda. I went into it expecting a pretty good movie - like a Shrek sequel - but what I got was blown away. Graphically pleasing in its every nuance, this movie could be viewed time and time again and still have something for you every time. I wanted to watch it again as soon as it was over, and I don't know what movie has ever done that for me in the past.

My rating stands at 9.5 - the only thing keeping it from a perfect ten being one scene that I thought could have been done slightly better. In point of fact, the scene may have been done that way, but lacked clarification on whether or not it happened. Clarifying it may have made it too much for kids. I dunno. Whatever the case, the movie is a masterpiece. Let's hope it does not get driven into the ground with endless sequels and an animated series.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Electron Ramsey

This is the third official picture I've done of Electron Ramsey. The third unofficial one was on the Snipe Sketch oekaki. The second one is the one labeled "Electron Ramsey 1999", and the first one is no good. Anyways, I didn't name this one "Electron Ramsey 3" because I didn't want people to think it was the third incarnation of the character. There is only one.

One of the iconic superheroes of Snipe Hunt Media's premiere super-team, the American Furies. According to the Furies' public relations information packet, Electron Ramsey took over the mantle of leadership after the death of the team's original leader, Anthem. The origin of his powers are shrouded in mystery, but many think he channels his powers from the thunder gods of old. He seems to have an inexhaustible supply of electrical energy, which he uses to protect the innocent and uphold the law.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Ugly little spud, isn't he?

For whatever reason - we'll assume Replay infected me with something, somehow - when I got home, this fellow came out of my arm and into the tablet. As the sketching commenced, I already had in mind what kind of highlights and transparencies I would want to do later on in the process. 

I think I may do a whole series like this, with other ghosts like Haunter and Misdreavus. Suggestions are welcome.

Home again, home again, jiggity jog

After a grueling sixteen-hour drive, I am back home at my terrible desk. Ten pounds heavier, a little more tan, and with some dark roots showing under my way-too-blonde hair.

I can't blame Booyah's mother entirely for the weight gain; I think I must have grown some muscles in the pool, as I now have some extra energy for simple things like reaching the fan switch from the toilet. Normally this would have taken a great deal of effort, and I might have cried a little.

My awful neighbors were evicted while I was gone, and now I have a nice view to the much nicer trailer that was on the other side of them. It's like a little intangible gift.

The TV at breakfast shows me CBS's Saturday morning fare, and, by extension, everything that is wrong with the world.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Bedding down at the Hampton Inn in Mt. Juliet. Lovely town. Taco Bell for dinner marks the end of a long day.

Monday, June 23, 2008

The time, it does fly.

Snipe Cons pass all too quickly, but I've had fun during this one. Here's some bullet points:
  • Got a Deoxys for my Pokémon game at the GameStop this weekend.
  • Finished principle photography for two Snipe Hunt videos.
  • Ate many a food at many a place and in many a variety.
  • Went on a night time adventure to find a Kinko's...
  • ... only to discover that what we needed to copy was left at home.
  • Got to meet my old friend Replay, outside of his native England for his first trip to the U.S.
  • Placed second in a Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament.
  • Placed second in the Snipe Hunt Invitational Trivia Exposition.
And fulfilled my outlandish promise to stay in the swimming pool all night long. (I get to swim so rarely.) Pretty soon I have to hit the old dusty trail, where my plump leg will cause me no end of troubles. Maybe some day I will start using airplanes, but probably not.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Arf arf

Dallas's China Town is really something. Earlier, I saw a motorcycle with two wheels in front - no photo, sorry. Enjoy a temple dog, instead.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Hangin' with Mister Booper

Just killin' some time with Booyah while we wait for Bravo Team to get back from GameStop.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Congrabulations! I grabulated!

Booyah got all the Snipe Con 2008 attendees a gift. Mine was a giant framed diploma from Danger Laboratories. He said it was all well and good for me to give diplomas to other people, but who would give one to me? I think he solved the mystery handily, and I will look forward to hanging this at home.

Pay no attention to my wife's be-pajamaed legs in the reflection.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Crashed into front of house,

Crashed into front of house, landed in dining room. Presented with plate of fried fish for my efforts. All worth it.

A little ways outside Little

A little ways outside Little Rock, we stop for sunglasses, postcards, and 3 different flavors of Mountain Dew.

Traffic slowed to a crawl

Traffic slowed to a crawl at mile marker 220 for seemingly no reason... I prefer night driving.

I drove 17 extra miles

I drove 17 extra miles to get to a Hampton Inn after I got tired last night. Is so worth it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

The moon does not shine

The moon does not shine bright over Lebanon tonight, but I'm stoppan here anyways.

Grabbing some McDonald's at Strawberry

Grabbing some McDonald's at Strawberry Plains.

That damn battery light has

That damn battery light has come on again in the car, after they said they fixed what was causing it. D:<

Parked at Mom's; boy, am

Parked at Mom's; boy, am I hungry! Trying to stave off eating until I'm completely ravenous... which may be right now...

Headed out! We'll see the

Headed out! We'll see the total travel time based on my bloggan time stamps. End transmission. Bwoop!

One quick note

Is anyone else as pissed off as I am at the extremely shitty way DVDs are packaged these days? The stupid-ass security tape on the top of the DVD either leaves gluey residue, tears off the top of the paper insert, or both. If that wasn't bad enough, they seem to (apparently) glue the cellophane that wraps the entire thing to the spine of the DVD. Infuriating. You can never get it all off. It is getting to the point where I need to just buy a clean, empty DVD case every time I buy a DVD, to transfer the salvageable parts of the new DVD into.

HITTAN THE BRI/x/

Well, in an hour or so I hope to be out the door and on the road. Got to stop at Mom's house to do some upkeep, and then it's down the Interstate we go.

I don't guess we're printing out directions; we'll just let the TomTom do all the work. He sometimes makes some unwise decisions, but he got us there last time.

The MAX Virus puppet is about 75% done at this point. Basically what that means is that he's done enough for us to take him on the road and finish him up at Casa de Booyah. I hope to get some good videos made with him, as it has been too long since the video aspect of the "media" at Snipe Hunt Media has been addressed.

Bleached my hair for the con... bleached it a little too well. Now I sort of look like I've been electrified. If I get out in the sunlight, I will probably look like some kind of fat angel with a corona of yellow plasma radiating from his head. Perhaps wearing goggles or sunglasses on my forehead will lessen the effect.

Was hoping to finish Snipe Hunt! #2 before leaving, but I reckon it ain't meant to be. Oh well, there's always time when I get back.

GRINDAN GAEMS

The aforementioned Daimyo is now two for two in Alterac Valley wins. He had nothing to do with them, mind you, but it's still a good spread.

EDIT: Three for three. Now that the initial quests are getting out of the way, I was able to be of some use in Drek'thar's chamber. I also got my [Stormpike Insignia Rank 2].

EDIT: Four for four.

EDIT: Five for five. I'll stop updating at this point. Just continue to assume that the Alliance is unstoppable.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

MEATAN GAEMS

It's good to know where the meat is.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

PHONE-BLOGGAN GAEMS

Daimyo - Level 48 Draenei Priest

BLOGGAN GAEMS

Well, what can I say. The Lord knows I love Google, and as soon as I learned that Blogger was a facet of that golden company, I knew I had to get one for myself.

Now, I've always been a LiveJournal man. No muss, no fuss. And who wants to try to make all of one's friends migrate over to another blogging service? Regardless, after some research into the process of posting updates from the road for the upcoming Snipe Con 2008 road trip, Blogger was the man of the hour. So here we are.

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