Professor Hazard's Terrible Blog

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Stand-Up Comedian

A lot of people tell me that I should become a stand-up comedian. However, I am not that great at public speaking. It's not that I'm nervous, it's just that my palate is built weird or something, and my voice doesn't carry further than two feet away from my head. A microphone would eliminate that problem; however, perhaps because I am so out of shape in the talking department, my throat begins to feel bruised if I talk aloud for more than a few minutes. I am a terrible mishmash of God's spare parts. Anyways, here is some comedy that occurred to me earlier when I misheard something.

You know how some people have Type O blood? George W. Bush is so dumb that his blood type is a typo.

(mimicking a doctor checking a readout) All right, Mr. President, it says here your blood type is... "H"? What?

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I Made a Mistake Today

... by going to the local Long John Silvers. The advertisements had convinced me it would be all right - grilled fish! Healthy side dishes! A bed of rice!

What can I say? The first thing I noticed about the place was the thick air of desperation. A large, sullen youth was sweeping the floor in front of the door as I entered. I volleyed off a hearty "How ya doin?!", which was met with grim silence.

As we stood, awaiting our order, we observed a dining room full of grey people who ate with neither speed or joy. There was no conversation to be noticed. A thin film of grime seemed to cover everything and everyone.

After we sat down with our food, I began to wonder if it would be doing a lot of people a favor to burn the place down later that night.

Fourteen dollars worth of food got neither of us full and both of us queasy. We will not ever return to that restaurant.